God’s In My Despair

There are so many opportunities to sink into a deep depression or negative-state-of-mind in this world.
Not only do we have to worry about politics and things going on with the world itself, such as pollution, global warming, nuclear threats, but we also have so many interpersonal and very very personal issues to deal with.

I am a master over-thinker and some of my skills are in the art of making small things big and creating something out of nothing. Anyone else feel me? 🙋‍♀️

I hate that my mind sinks so far down into itself. There have been so many different points in my life where I have been close to getting lost in there. Let’s just say the movie Inception resonated within my soul.

Lately, I have been so passionate about finding a way to make Jesus real to my everyday life. I grew up in church so I’ve heard about Him since the age of five. I’ve heard tons of sermons. I’ve heard plenty of scripture and my grandma even had me memorize some verses when I was small. I’ve seen the Holy Spirit move in many different ways in the church and I’ve also seen some other kinds of spirits being moved out of the church.

All this to say that the name and life of Jesus is not something that has been hidden from me and yet there have been times in my life where I’ve suffered from loneliness and despair. Why?! Why did I have these feelings even with knowing of the Lord? Why did I go through so much pain and darkness? Why do I still feel the sting of the hurt caused to me in my youth?

I never understood how I can feel so alone, so abandoned, so depressed and at times even suicidal (the devil is a liar!) and know a God who is supposed to be the answer to all of this?

Fast forward years later…

Lately, I’ve been dealing with some stuff that has really been taking a toll on me not only mentally but also physically. Dude! I’m stressin’ so much it is causing physical pain!! Craziness, right?!

At first, it started with me praying and asking God to reveal to me what I needed to do to get over this. Then I tried watching sermons on the topic. Then I went back to prayer but more of a dire plea for help type of prayer. Nothing. Not a sound.  My brain is so confused at this point. I talk to God so often. I have full-blown conversations in my mind with Him and now… nothing?!

I start to sink. I think of all the things that are hurting me, I think of all the ways I can fix this myself, I think of letting it go, I think of speaking my truth. I stop reaching out to those around me. I hide away and I feel everything all at the same time. My chest feels like its caving into itself, my breath quickens, and my heart revolts. I’m goin’ through it y’all. I am in the thick of it.

THE ANSWER

So I go online to find this ominous photo to post onto Instagram and attach some verse on despair to share with all the world about just how dark things can get. I open my bible app and type in “Lord hear my cry” in the search and I start looking for something that explains exactly what I’m feeling.
I couldn’t find one! Better put, I couldn’t find just one!

I found sooo many verses of cries going out to the Lord. So many verses where they felt alone, abandoned, unheard, chased after (literally), attacked, rejected. I know we’re taught not to gloat in others peoples hurts and that’s true, but I do find comfort in their despair. It’s not just me. I’m not broken or unworthy because I am not hearing Gods voice right now. It does happen that people go through things and God does hear them but He doesn’t answer.

So, in this instance, what makes God real and alive in my life if He is purposely choosing to stay quiet in my troubles?
What makes these verses different now, in my pain, then when we read them together at church?

Here’s the verse that I chose for that picture I mentioned above: Psalms 22:1-2 (TPT)
“God, my God! Why do you abandon me now?
Why do you remain distant, refusing to answer my tearful cries in the day and my desperate cries for help in the night?
I can’t stop sobbing. Where are you my God?”

And here was the Lord’s immediate response: Psalms 91:15 (TPT)
“I will answer your cry for help every time you pray,
and you will find and feel my presence even in your time of pressure and trouble.
I will be your glorious hero and give you a feast.”

So what keeps me from reading this as just another verse, consequently keeping the Lord at a distance?
  Believing Him!
I know, “that’s it?!”, yeah, that’s it. It’s so simple. But don’t underestimate your ability to diminish the value of this. The steps to getting healthy are simple, the steps to finishing a project in-time are simple, reading the Bible is simple; applying them isn’t.

I tend to sink so deep within my own mind that I forget that God is working on things. He’s got our lives as a whole figured out and it’s up to us to trust that and walk out our daily lives basically reminding ourselves of this.
It only takes one small glimmer of light to restore your hope, one small breath of air to keep you reaching for the next just to keep from drowning.

TRUST

“Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions.
With all your heart rely on Him to guide you,
and He will lead you in every decision you make.”
Proverbs 3:5 TPT

“Don’t be pulled in different directions or worried about a thing.
Be saturated in prayer throughout each day, offering your faith-filled requests before God with overflowing gratitude. Tell Him every detail of your life, then God’s wonderful peace that transcends all human understanding will make the answers known to you through Jesus Christ.”
Phillippians 4: 6-7 TPT

“Now faith brings our hopes into reality and becomes the foundation needed to acquire the things we long for. It is all the evidence required to prove what is still unseen.”
Hebrews 11:1 TPT

 

If you’re sitting there wondering “is this all??” the answer to that is yes, for now. I don’t have it all figured out. I am still working on making a God that can do things beyond anything I can imagine seem at least semi imaginable to my human mind.

I know it sounds crazy to try and make God fit into our thought of who He is but I need Him to be more than just this big mysterious entity in the sky.  Some deep wise voice coming from above.

I need Him to feel real in the thick of things. I need to feel His presence that He promises us in the midst of our troubles. I need to feel His peace that we receive when we let go of our worries trusting in Him to handle the outcome. But most of all, I need to trust that I will/am experiencing Him in all these ways and more on a daily.

It’s a simple thought but it’s hard work. 

 

One thought on “God’s In My Despair

Add yours

  1. Wow!! Amazing!!! How I see God all over you!! Step out of yourself and really see yourself. Really look, you ARE a woman full of God.

    Like

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